The Fall

The cracking of a 40-year-old neurodivergent mask 

and those who were there to witness it

Most names have been changed to protect the guilty, the innocent, and the ones I still see on Tuesdays.

Prologue

When we are in the midst of our biggest struggles, that's when we have to do the most. 

For example, when a loved one dies, you have to make decisions, some that feel impossible and some that feel meaningless, before your mind has even accepted that they're gone, before you can even get out of bed. 

When the world has buried you in an avalanche of anything and everything it can throw at you, that is when you have to find your own help. You sift through countless identical bios that tell you nothing. Filter for therapeutic modalities that you have never heard of without knowing what it is you need, and lists of disorders that you have no idea if you have. Then you finally make a choice that feels arbitrary, and find yourself sitting across from a complete stranger. You are expected to tell them why you’re there, but you don't know where to begin.

Finding Help

Every Tuesday is mental health day for me. I have therapy in the morning and coaching in the afternoon. I spend an hour each with two amazing women from whom I have learned so much. It was a journey to find them. I had to really put myself out there. Tell the complete truth. Be vulnerable with complete strangers. Accept rejections.

2022

In the beginning, I found Liv because she was near me, took in-person appointments, and was willing to give me a break on her session rate. One therapist is as good as another, right?

She was able to pull me out of a black tornado of terrifying depression and debilitating anxiety. Once the storm passed, however, I was ready to dig in deep and find what caused it in the first place. To get into my origin story and learn how I became me. Liv seemed more interested in staying in the present. It was time to move on. After all, different therapists have different specialties and areas of focus. I went down to seeing Liv once a month for maintenance.

2024

I found Sonya because I used a popular site for finding therapists and filtered for the disorders and issues I thought I needed to focus on, and, again, she had a lower rate. 

I was trying to understand myself and understand how I could do something and feel something that I shouldn't. Instead of understanding and guidance, I felt like I was given judgment and worksheets. I stuck with her for months, thinking we just needed to get to know each other and find what worked for us as therapist and client. But I constantly left our sessions feeling worse than when I went in. One day, that escalated to unhealthy heights. I was at a red light right after a session, staring at a building, and wondering what it would be like to jump off of it. I knew then that it was time to move on. To begin the search for someone else. I could no longer believe that she would ever be the right fit for me. But the thought of starting from scratch with someone new was daunting. Overwhelming. 

2025

I went back to the search site. I did the filters. I read the bios. I realized that they all said variations of the same thing and told me nothing of real substance. How was I going to find the one to meet my needs? What did I need, anyway? 

I started making a list. The list turned into a paragraph. The paragraph turned into an email. 

• This is me. 

• This is what I'm going through. 

• This is how I feel. 

• This is how I behave. 

• This is what I've done. 

It was raw, honest, and definitely too much information. I decided to send it to various therapists and practices and ask, "Can you handle all of this? Do you want me as a client? Let me know." 

I sent 13 emails. I got 3 replies. I found it a little validating, in a way. I really was a difficult case. 

The first reply left a terrible first impression. Immediate no. The second and third ones seemed promising. I scheduled consultation calls with those two. Number three was first. She seemed pleasant, but I felt she may be a bit too soft for me. I wanted someone I could be real with, be uninhibited with, and who would give me the same in return. She let me know she would be working remotely all summer and agreed I would be better off with someone I could see in person. Number two was the one I was excited about. And I was right to be. Our 15-minute phone call went on for 45 minutes. I learned so much during that call, and the conversation felt so natural. It helped that she already knew so much about me from my email. I went to my intake session with her and left feeling more hopeful and optimistic than I had in years. I was excited. 

Tessa taught me about the reality of what ADHD is, what Autism can look like, and introduced me to neurodivergence. It all clicked. It was like finding the user manual I was supposed to come with but got lost during my delivery. She changed my life. I saw her twice a week for over a year. I had too much going on for just one hour a week. I could have spent hours with her.

2026

When it was time for me to move to the UK, Tessa told me she couldn't be my therapist anymore because her license wouldn't cover it. But she could be my neurodivergence coach. So we kept seeing each other virtually while I searched for a new therapist in my new country. I can’t imagine ever being without her, even on my best days. She’s as close to a friend as a professional can be, while still respecting the boundaries between the client and the therapist.

I found Holly the same way I found Tessa. I wrote an email and explained all of my history and diagnoses and listed each of my acronyms. I sent it to several local therapists and waited. Some got back to me to say they were not accepting new clients. Some said they didn't work with my disorders. One even said she had never heard of some of the things I referenced. But when I found Holly, she told me that I was exactly the kind of client she loved to work with. And I have been seeing her weekly ever since. She got me through some really dark times as I adjusted to my big move and dealt with feelings of extreme guilt. Depression was eating me alive. Sometimes I would arrive in her office literally shaking. But I got through it thanks to her. 

I also got through everything thanks to myself. I've learned from working for therapists that some clients don't tell the truth. I've learned from friends who have tried therapy that some people don't do the work. I talk about everything. Anything. Even things I think are small or silly or embarrassing. And I do the work during and in between sessions. So many people miss that part, think the therapist will wave a magic wand and they’ll be all better. It doesn’t work like that, and we wouldn’t learn anything if it did. 

I truly want to change, to be better, to be happy, and to learn how to live with who I am and work with how I am. 

So, good job, me.

Women Wear Masks

There appears to be a common trend among women in their 30’s and 40’s. It may happen earlier, it may happen later, it may not happen at all. 

Their mask begins to crack.

What Mask?

Some people suppress their natural traits, either consciously or subconsciously, around others in order to fit in better. It’s called Masking. This is particularly common for those who fall under the neurodiversity umbrella of psychological disorders. 

Neurodiversity will look different for everyone who experiences it. My personal experience includes variations of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

Masking can take on many different forms, such as mimicking the body language, facial expressions, and speaking tone of others, and acting calm when overwhelmed by social situations. This is by far not an exhaustive list.

There can be many different reasons why people mask. For me, I want to fit in in a world where I feel like I don’t belong. I don’t want to appear awkward or rude, and I don’t want people to be mad at or mean to me. 

I didn’t know this was what I was doing. I knew that I was never fully myself around people. I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I don’t really discuss my interests. If I actually said what I wanted to say, I would make people super uncomfortable or just think I’m weird. At least, that’s what I believe. A lifetime of being abandoned, neglected, bullied, and ignored will do that to a person. 

The 40-Year Crack

Sometime around 40, women in particular begin to lose their mask, whether they are aware they wear one or not. This is because masking takes a toll. It’s exhausting. It’s stressful. You feel disconnected from your true self. And this is about the time you experience masking burnout. 

I didn’t know any of this until long after the cracks began showing. I felt like I lost control of myself and I couldn’t understand what was happening, but whatever it was, I was fighting it. I didn’t want to change. I still wanted to be liked, to fit in, to be dependable. I thought the masked version was the real me, and I didn’t want to become someone else. I thought I was broken. The word “broken” played through my mind all day, every day. I was not in control of my emotions and sometimes not even in control of my actions. I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to understand why. Until I met Tessa, who explained everything, and opened up my world. 

Living Through It

It goes without saying that life doesn’t stop for mental breakdowns. I still had to go to work, do my job, and interact with people. 

At the time all of this was going on, I worked for a group of therapists. What could be a better or safer environment to go through such a traumatizing time, right?

---

Parting Ways

July 8, 2025

My office was so pretty. My desk sat right next to a large window with 2-inch white wooden blinds, letting in endless natural Florida sunlight to work by, rendering the wicker-shaded light above my head practically little more than nice decoration. The piece of art behind my chair was chosen by me and got compliments from nearly everyone who walked in. The desk was World Market. The shelves were Home Goods. Everything had been chosen to blend in with the soft, peaceful surroundings of the therapy practice where I had worked for over two years.

This may have been what I lamented most as I packed all of my belongings into the cardboard box on my desk. I knew I would miss the art especially.

I needed to be quick. My boss, or former boss, could walk in at any moment. I wanted to be finished before she arrived. 

I couldn't believe it had gotten to this point.

I loaded up my car and returned to my chair behind the empty desk, running my hands over the beautiful wood. I took in the shelves beside me, now empty except for a simple black printer, and leaned back, waiting.

Eventually her tiny frame glided past the windows and walked in the front door. The first thing she saw was the empty office area off of the waiting room, the first thing all clients saw when they walked in the door. The second thing they saw was me, smiling at them in greeting. But I was not smiling now. And hers was a face of shock as she took in the now empty office, accompanied by a quiet "oh!", before she swallowed it and got control of herself.

What did she expect? She'd asked me not to come in yesterday. They were having a visitor. A rep from a facility or some such. She didn't want me to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence. Apparently, I didn't smile as much as I believed. Was no longer as welcoming as I had once been. According to her, at least.

She sat in one of the chairs opposite me. There was no "we have to let you go". No "I quit". Just a conversation about how it wasn't working out anymore. She realized she needed things she wasn't going to get from me. Someone who could work on Fridays. Someone who could network at events. Neither was a thing I was hired to do. Neither was a thing I was willing to do. She said it was just business. I said it felt pretty personal, seeing as most of her issues with me seemed to happen outside of the office. 

So, I left my key on the empty desk and walked out the door, but not before a very awkward hug prompted by her.

Better Judgment

Starting from March 27, 2023

When I started working for Sarah, I told myself that I would keep everything professional. I was there to do a job and earn an income, not make friends. I knew that I would become invaluable to her because that's what I did. I prided myself on my professionalism, my work ethic, and my considerable skills for the job. My bosses tended to rely heavily on me. The trouble with my previous boss was that she started to rely on me for tasks outside of work, and I had become too enmeshed in her personal life. I didn't want or need those lines to become blurred again.

Sarah had her own ideas, however, and she and Eve, the other therapist in the practice, brought me in with open arms, wine, and sushi. Even when we brought on additional therapists, we remained The Three Musketeers. The Cool Kids. They had become friends, against my better judgment. And, given their chosen occupation, friends I believed would accept me as my true self.

Throughout my time there, I saw them through marriage struggles, infidelity, bad friendships, and divorce. I had grown to care for them dearly, and felt that the friendship was reciprocated. Sarah made a huge deal out of my 40th birthday. We constantly went out to dinner after work. We even confided in each other and offered support. At one point, I urged Sarah to get her own therapist, not only because every therapist should have their own, but because she had real issues that she needed to talk about, both from her personal and professional life. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there for her; it was that I wasn’t a trained professional and I worried about giving bad advice. She eventually took my advice, but didn’t stop pouring her heart out to me, which meant a lot.

I have never been one for making friends or being social. I feel very awkward and like I have nothing to say or contribute to conversations. I fear that people automatically dislike me based on how I look, so I have to be as friendly as possible to compensate. My social battery runs down quickly. The more people who are around, the quieter I get. The more I try to shrink myself. I don’t want anyone to look at me, yet I’m desperate for someone to see me. 

I have been labeled “shy” my entire life. I’m typically in my head, imagining all the ways I’m probably being judged and chastizing myself for not being “normal”. I have never felt like I fit in or belong. It felt good to feel accepted by them, to feel like we had a special bond.

We didn’t really have anything in common, but I am used to being the odd one out in my friendships. My best friends are outgoing, confident, and social. They can talk to anyone about anything, it seems. So making friends with two successful women who lived to work out and enjoyed the beach wasn’t a problem for me. I was happy to be brought into their world. 

The First Sushi

May 26, 2023

My boyfriend, Rich, lives in England and had come to visit, so Sarah suggested we all go to a nearby sushi restaurant with our partners after work. There were Sarah, Eve, and the new therapist, Katy, and each of their husbands, plus my now-husband and me. I loved how welcome she made him feel and appreciated her including him.

It was a great dinner. We frequented that restaurant countless times after that. Rich is usually shy like me, but he got along great with everyone. We talked and laughed over appetizers, rolls, and bottomless wine and beer. At one point, the women’s conversation turned to their children, as it often does with parents. I don’t remember what the men were talking about. I don’t have kids, so there wasn’t much I could say. They talked about schools, mostly. I didn’t grow up there, so I didn’t know anything about the local schools. My mom wasn’t involved in my schooling when I was growing up, so it was very different to hear how enmeshed they all were in their kids' education and extracurricular activities. Basically, I couldn’t relate to any of it. So, I sat there and waited. I tried to listen, but my mind tends to wander, and then I catch myself and try to focus, try to notice cues for when to nod, smile, laugh, or be aghast. Whenever the topic became something I could relate to, I tried to join in, but mostly I sat quietly and enjoyed the food and wine. Overall, it was a fun night.

Double Duty

September 2023 to March 2024

Sarah had another friend who was also a therapist, and she rented office space from us. When her daughter, Ansley, wanted to start her own practice as a nurse practitioner, Sarah offered her office space as well. She also, indirectly, offered her me. She knew Ansley would have a lot of work on her hands starting up a new business, and I guess she mentioned how much I helped build her business and how great I was, and the two of them discussed whether I would be willing to help Ansley out on top of my work for Sarah and the therapy practice. 

I actually didn’t mind. I loved the work, have always loved learning and setting up new systems and protocols and getting people organized. I really enjoyed it. 

At first. 

I worked for Ansley for about 6 months before we agreed it would be best if she found someone who could focus solely on the job. We got along fine; it was just really stressful, and as Ansley’s practice grew, so did her reliance on me. Meanwhile, Sarah, Eve, and Katy also came to rely on me more and more. “Devon can do it” had become a mantra around all offices. The overwhelm was kicking in and replacing the joy.

Birthday Dinner

April 4, 2024

Sarah and Ansley had birthdays close together, so we had a double birthday dinner at another lovely restaurant. This one was ladies-only, including the original group, Ansley’s mom, and the newest therapist, Leslie.The birthday cake had been picked up by Katy, who had very strong opinions on the bakery that Sarah had ordered it from. Well, that I had ordered from at Sarah’s request. The bakery was a small local business, and the owners let their political beliefs be very well known throughout their shop. They did not align with Katy’s personal beliefs. They didn’t align with mine, either, but I wasn’t about to bring it up. Katy had no such qualms about speaking her mind. The conversation turned from politics to religion. That was something all of the women at the table could agree on. As the only atheist at the table, I thought it would be rude to share my personal beliefs. So, I kept quiet. Unfortunately, religion is a touchy subject for me, so I didn’t really listen in. I was sitting next to the window and instead enjoyed the peaceful view of the marina behind the restaurant. 

At one point, someone asked if I was alright. I didn’t want to say that their conversation was making me uncomfortable and I was just waiting for it to be over. I think that would have made them uncomfortable, and I didn’t want that. So I smiled with teeth, hoped it crinkled my eyes, and nodded and said: “Yes, of course.” From then on I tried to appear more involved until the conversation finally, thankfully, changed and I could genuinely partake again.

The night ended with a big, smiley group photo outside before everyone split for their cars.

I thought we all had a lot of fun; however, it seemed like some others had an uncomfortable moment of their own. The event seemed to alter Sarah and Eve’s opinion of Katy. They didn’t appreciate her outspokenness. I began to hear them discuss her with more negativity. Over time, Katy also came to me with complaints about Sarah and how the practice was run. This went on for some time, with me in the middle. Not a place I wanted to be. 

Eventually, I decided to clue Sarah in on Katy’s true feelings. I really struggled with the decision, as I didn’t want to betray Katy or cause any problems, but I felt that Sarah should know not only as the business owner, but also because I would want someone to tell me if anyone had an issue with me. I would like the opportunity to fix things. And Sarah was my friend.

F Stands for Failure

July 19, 2024

I had been on a successful weight loss journey with the help of Ansley and some medication, and had started doing something I truly despise: working out. I joined a gym near the office where the trainers develop fitness plans for each individual during each class, instead of everyone doing the same thing. I thought it was a great way to get close to personal training without paying for a personal trainer. 

When I say I despise working out, I mean nothing in this world could make me more miserable. I became convinced that I was born without those magical, happy-making endorphins, because after every class I would sit in my car and cry, sometimes harder than others, sometimes all the way home. I kept thinking it would click one day, but that day never came. 

Sarah and Eve were both members of multiple gyms and fitness studios, and I asked them for advice. I really wanted to understand the mentality behind enjoying working out. I wanted to get there myself. 

Sarah invited me to join her at one of her gyms, an F45 studio. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I appreciated her actually inviting me into her world and was looking forward to trying something new. Perhaps this place would be the right fit for me. 

It was decidedly not for me.

I showed up before class started and texted Sarah from the parking lot to let her know I had arrived. She had no idea what I was talking about. She’d completely forgotten that she’d invited me to join her. She arrived a bit later and signed me in, excited that I had come. 

We got started. It was a circuit, so multiple modules were set up, each with a different workout. We were to perform the designated exercise for the length of the timer on the wall, then move on to the next. 

Not only am I out of shape, but I am also a smoker with a bad back and a worse knee, thanks to injuries I sustained from a fall years earlier. I struggled with the exercises. I had to do modified versions of some modules, which made me feel self-conscious, and there were others I couldn't do at all, so I just sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Everyone is looking at you, I thought. No one wants you here. You’re just taking up space. God, why is that timer so slow?

I made it halfway through the class before I apologized to Sarah and bolted. Since the class was before work, I decided to go into the office early. I sobbed the whole time. I was so humiliated. 

I hate myself, I thought. I’m pathetic. A loser. Why am I like this? I can’t do anything. Why do I bother? Why do I try? 

This also led to some darker, more intrusive thoughts that I didn’t want. 

I hate how my mind always goes there. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to think about this.

When Sarah made it into the office a couple of hours later, she asked if I was okay and what had happened. I told her how I felt and apologized again for leaving early.

Open House

October 15, 2024

Over the summer, Sarah went from renting the top floor of the office to renting the entire 2-story building. We renovated and moved downstairs, and Ansley was able to expand her office space upstairs. They decided to celebrate the beautiful new offices by hosting an open house event for both businesses. Which meant I now had a huge event to plan and put together. I planned. I prepped. I stressed. It was months of trying to think of anything and everything we’d need to make sure it was a perfect event, and of getting it all ordered in time. Sarah and Ansley also had things they had to do, so sometimes I had to wait on them. I was still prepping gift bags and raffle prizes, moving furniture around, and getting dressed right up to the last second. Everyone had a hand in the prep, but no one was physically shaking from stress like I was. I thought I would pass out. But, as anxious as I was, I was also excited. 

That excitement dropped from my chest into my stomach and turned into terror as soon as someone announced, “People are starting to arrive!” I panicked. Where should I stand? What should I do? What do I do with my hands? I wanted to run away, go home, and hide under my favorite fuzzy blanket. I grabbed onto the skirts of the nearest therapist and didn’t let go until it got awkward, at which time I’d grab onto the next one and follow them. I continued this until I ran out of skirts, and was sick and miserable with anxiety. I saw my car in the parking lot, decided to sneak off for a smoke and a breather, and wound up staying for the rest of the event, chain-smoking, texting, and listening to my favorite playlist.

I assumed if anyone needed me, they would text. No one did, so I figured no one needed me. It wasn’t until all of the guests had left that Ansley came to find me and brought me inside. It turned out that everyone had been wondering where I was all night. I told them I had my phone and they could have texted me at any time, but that didn’t really get a response. Even though that did annoy me, the anxiety that had replaced my excitement now spread over my entire body as guilt. I started helping to clean up until Sarah said her husband would finish up because he loved cleaning. I went home, exhausted and relieved that it was over, but also worried that I’d made a huge mistake.

In the end, it was an amazing and successful event.

“Are you okay?”

Multiple dates, monthly

We tried to have staff meetings each month. I scheduled them, coordinating with each therapist to find a date that worked for everyone. I ordered and picked up the food. I made the agenda. I took the notes. I contributed when I had something to say or suggest, but often I didn’t. So I was quiet, on the outside. 

On the inside, my mind was racing. Say something, I thought. You’re too quiet. God, I wish I could just go home. I’m exhausted. Ooh! What she just said! You could suggest… no, never mind. That’s stupid. Come on, contribute. You look like an idiot. God, you are so boring. No, don’t cry!

“Devon, are you okay?” Sarah’s voice cut through my stream of self-loathing. All eyes turned to look at me.

“Yeah, of course,” I would respond, forcing a smile. What else was I going to say in front of everyone?

This Meeting Could Have Been an Email

December 11, 2024

Sarah had become displeased with her accountant. She had joined an exclusive club for local business owners and entrepreneurs and had met a retired financial advisor who offered to review her entire operation and provide advice. His name was Daniel. One of Sarah’s sons had a business degree and was looking for a job, so she decided to introduce him to Daniel.

The four of us met up one morning before work. Sarah, her son, Daniel, and I. We discussed her finances. I pulled reports from our billing system and emailed them to everyone. No one asked me anything else. No one said anything else to me. I spent the meeting getting work done on my laptop. The meeting ended, and Sarah and I grabbed breakfast before going back to the office to start our day.

It was decided that these meetings would take place once a month. I went to a couple, and they all went the same way, so eventually I asked if I needed to be there, since all I had to do was pull reports and email them, which I could do at work the day before. I pointed out that not going would not only save me from an extra early morning but also save Sarah from having to pay me for the hour. I offered to attend if she still wanted me to. She agreed that I probably didn’t need to be there and said I could skip them. 

From then on, I emailed the reports at the beginning of each month. Daniel had left me on the original Outlook invitation. I figured he probably didn’t realize it or didn’t care enough to update it, and I didn’t care enough to say anything. I was just relieved not to have to attend the meetings anymore. I believed Sarah when she said it wasn’t a problem.

A Very Awkward Xmas

December 25, 2024

I spent Christmas Day with my family at my parents’ house, an hour north of the city on the small island where I grew up. While I was there, I got a text from Sarah saying that Eve was going to stop by and that she wanted to invite me over as well. I found out what time and accepted the invitation, feeling very special to be included in a family holiday. I knew her husband, their four boys, and some of their siblings would be in attendance, but as long as I could hang out with Sarah and Eve, I figured I would be alright.

My family was winding down and dispersing to their homes right on time for me to head out and get to Sarah’s. I followed the GPS and found her house, parking out front among the many other cars that filled the driveway and lined the street. 

I walked up to the front door and rang the bell. Nothing. I knocked on the door. Nothing. I hate knocking on doors. I knocked with a little more force, waited, and still nothing. I looked around and saw that the garage door was open, so I walked inside and knocked on the door leading to the house. Sarah opened the door, and I walked inside, mentioning that I’d been at the front door first, as if to explain why I had taken liberties with their garage on my first visit. She informed me that no one used the front door and that everyone always used the garage. Information that would have been nice to know beforehand.

She ushered me into the large room where everyone was gathered, introduced me to her family, and found me a free chair. I waved a shaky greeting with a nervous smile and sat down, clutching my handbag close. I wished I could hide my obvious discomfort better. Once again, I wondered why I couldn’t just be normal. Sarah went off to do whatever it was she was doing in another part of the house. A large dog came over to say hello, and my smile became genuine as I petted him and said hello back. I felt like I should try to make small talk, but no one was trying to make small talk with me, either, so I talked to the dog until Eve arrived and the three of us moved to the privacy of the back patio.

We sat around a fire pit and talked for a while, sharing stories and secrets, offering solutions to any problems that came up, until it was time to leave. 

I was in a really good mood as I drove home. Right up until I made a wrong turn into a new construction area and hit a curb, blowing out my right-front tire. I pulled into the parking lot and assessed the damage. I don’t know how to change a tire, so I couldn’t put on the donut in my trunk. I opened the Uber app and hoped that someone was working at 10 PM on Christmas night. Thankfully, I got a ride and made it home, and collapsed in bed.

Video Killed the Office Star

February 13, 2025

Sarah wanted to shoot some promotional videos for the practice, and asked her old friend Adam to help out. He used to work in news production and had extensive professional experience and equipment. Adam came by the office to meet everyone and plan out what they wanted to do. It was decided that each therapist would be interviewed individually on camera, and they even wanted to add footage of me at my desk, looking up and smiling as if greeting a client.

This was all planned well in advance of the actual shoot date, giving all of the therapists plenty of time to prepare. The night of the shoot, my bit was filmed first, but I hung around afterward because Sarah invited me to. It was kind of cool to see the process. The setup was incredible.

After the last therapist was finished, Adam invited me into Sarah’s office, which was being used as the set. I politely declined. Sarah tried to encourage me to do it. I said no, thank you. Suddenly, everyone was pushing me to do it. I kept declining. I said I was just the office manager. There’s nothing to interview me about. They disagreed. They said I was “the face” of the practice. I hated when they said that. I said that I hadn’t had time to prepare. I admitted that I really wasn’t comfortable. They said I’d be fine. They pushed. And pushed. And pushed. This room, which was full of therapists whom I saw as friends, was closing in around me. Still, I acquiesced. 

I sat in the chair across from Adam and his big, professional camera, which was staring at me, judging me. I couldn’t look at it. I tried to look around the room for anything else. My arms were instinctively wrapped tight around me. My legs were as crossed as I could get them. I hunched down and tried to sink into the chair. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to cry. Eve said, “You look like you’re being tortured. Uncross. Sit up. Smile!” I complied, slowly, fighting against my impulse to get up and run away. I was shaking and was sure everyone could see it. 

I don’t remember what he asked me. I don’t remember what I said. I remember that as soon as it was over, I stood, walked swiftly to my desk, grabbed my keys, and bolted out the door. 

I heard Eve ask if I was okay. I could hear Sarah calling after me. I knew she was following me as I stormed off to my car. I didn’t stop, but she did catch up to me by the time I got to my door. 

“Are you okay?” or “What’s wrong?” or something equally unbelievably clueless came out of her mouth. 

“No!” was my answer. “I didn’t want to do that! I hated that!”

She said she had wanted me to feel included. She said I was so important to the practice. I said that was nice and all, but asking is enough to include me and letting me say no doesn’t diminish that. I was sobbing and trembling. I just wanted to go home. 

She asked what had been so bad. So I told her.

“All I could think about was people watching me. How many people would see this. How I looked. How I sounded. That everything I said was wrong. Do you understand that I absolutely hate myself?”

We continued arguing. Or speaking strongly at least. She still didn’t really see what she'd done wrong or why I was so upset, but eventually she let me leave.

The next day she said that she would ask Adam not to use my footage if that’s really what I wanted. I said yes, thank you. She was obviously disappointed. I cared about disappointing her, but not enough to change my mind.

I was sick over the whole ordeal for at least the rest of the week, but the impact lasted much longer than I realized.

Network Crash

March 6, 2025

Late in the workday, Sarah and Eve told me about a networking event for therapists and mental health specialists that they were attending that evening. They asked if I wanted to attend. The new intern, Libby, was going too. I said yes before I realized what I was agreeing to, because I always said yes. I wanted to be a part of the group. I wanted to belong. I was always flattered when they invited me to anything.

To: Rich

6 Mar 2025 at 6:15 pm

Me: Goddamnit. I had almost cleared my to-do list except for the thing I've been avoiding and then Sarah just dumped a bunch of crap on me. Sometimes I hate my job because it's basically just doing everything that isn't actually therapy. I hate the "Devon'll do it" mentality.

Rich: I'm so sorry my love :(

Me: Also she's invited me to attend a networking event this evening at the Restoration Hardware rooftop restaurant. Just for like an hour or two.

Rich: Well this sounds nice at least!

Me: Networking? Meeting people? Small talk? No. It sounds like what my special place in hell would be. But I'm driving myself so if I can't do it, if I panic or something, I can bounce.

Rich: Ah I missed the networking part :/ I do hope it's okay and that you have fun. I’m sorry baby. I love you so much.

Me: Love you so much. Ugh. I'm so fucking over this shit. I need a fucking break.

Rich: I'm so sorry my love. You really do need a break

Me: I feel so fucking goddamn guilty when I don't post anything for a while but fuck it took me all goddamn day to do the basic post I just uploaded. For fucks sake. I can't do everything.

Rich: It's a really good post! I think it's good to not have a constant bombardment of posts; I think the frequency that you post is good. I'm so sorry you're not having a good day baby

Me: -Come in early to attend this meeting that you don't need to be at.

-Devon'll do it.

-I'm just going to set this on your

desk.

-Do this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this.

-Can you...?

-Do you mind...?

-Maybe Devon can...?

-and so on…

Rich: I'm so sorry my love

Me: Let me see. I come in an hour early. Turn everything on. Make sure the water fridge and snacks are stocked. Refill as needed. I handle emails and voicemails and texts. I print Sarah and Eve’s schedules for the day. I pull Sarah’s client files if I have time. Continue to take all calls and respond to emails and texts throughout the day. Greet everyone with a positive attitude and a smile as they come in. Schedule everyone as they leave. Schedule everyone as they call, text, or email. 

Run billing for each session. Submit claims. Follow up on claims. Reconcile paid claims. Chase down incorrect claims. (You have no idea-no one can know how horrible this is to do) Follow up with anyone who still owes us money. Argue politely with patients who claim they don't owe us money. Explain insurance to patients even though I barely understand it myself. Fuck, the people who work for the insurance companies barely understand and they constantly lie or tell me or the patients incorrect information. Then I have fucking Maya asking me a million questions via email "why don't you do this? Why do you do it this way? But what about blah blah blah?" LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND TRUST ME TO DO MY GODDAMN JOB. But no, I answer thoroughly and kindly.

And our landlord just casually emailing me to ask a favor to make something easier for him. And running back and forth to the bookkeepers. And setting up new patients. And chasing down the new ones who haven't done their intake paperwork. And making folders for the new ones who have and making sure all of the therapists have all of their new client files.

Finding, creating, and posting social media content. Keeping the website updated. Working on any extra projects, like currently we're working with a videographer who is doing promo videos and I have to work with him to get shit done on our end.

Buy gift cards for the people who helped out with the videos.

Occasionally go get lunch for Sarah and/or Eve. Tech support. Set up new therapists with email, profile, bio, website page, booking page, business cards, office keys, etc. Run monthly financial reports. Check the mail. Gather all of the paper EOBS in the mail and reconcile those accounts. Update therapists schedules as needed. Cancel or reschedule sessions for the therapists as needed. Reach out to people for various things.

Create marketing materials like flyers and brochures. Order said marketing materials. Pick up said marketing materials. Stay on top of who is not scheduled and needs to be by reaching out to everyone weekly, with about 130-150 or so active clients.

No, I will not water the plants. I don't do plants. Still get asked once in a blue moon. 

Make a spreadsheet of all of the local schools, pediatricians, family doctors, in and out patient facilities… 

Sarah literally just came out and handed me her clock and asked me to fix it because the battery fell out and the time was wrong. 

Run errands. Order food and pick up wine for meetings. Make agendas for meetings. Fuck I need to schedule this month's meeting.

 Who knows what else. And then everything and anything else.

Rich: You do so much. You really do need a break

Me: In the car. Love you baby

Rich: Yay! Drive safe baby. I love you so very much

The event was near my apartment, so I had time to go home and get ready. This also gave me time to finally realize what I was doing. “What was I thinking?” I texted the group chat with Sarah and Eve, using a puking emoji followed by a laughing emoji. I can’t even remember if they responded. I calculated the time it would take me to get there and figured out what time I should leave to arrive at the same time as them. I didn’t want to be too early and end up standing around by myself. I waited, left, and arrived at the venue, sending a text that I was there and trying to figure out if they had gone in yet. It turned out they were running late. Oh. They told me that Libby should be there, so I texted her, and sure enough she was just about to walk in. I met her in front of the building, and we went up together.

Libby found some people she knew from various practices and organizations. She introduced me, and I stood by awkwardly as she spoke with them. Eventually, Sarah and Eve arrived. I latched onto them as they made their way around the room, speaking with various people, without any introductions. Finally, it was time for everyone to sit down to eat. The three of us sat at a table together. A woman at the table next to us struck up a conversation, and I hoped that I wouldn’t have to do any talking. I wasn’t so lucky. She tried to strike up a conversation with me. She asked me what I assumed were the standard small talk questions. I really couldn’t hear her over the sounds of chatter and utensils on plates that filled the room, which was fighting with the ringing panic in my ears. She sounded like she was speaking underwater. Eventually, she realized she was getting nothing from me and turned her attention to whoever was on her right.

I scanned the room, but my eyes kept going back to the ceiling, as if the beams were the most fascinating things I’d ever seen. I was trying to hold back my tears. 

DO NOT CRY, I thought. YOU ARE OKAY. You are in a room full of people who have dedicated their lives to mental health. They are not judging you. They don’t hate you. You can do this. Just DO IT. Pull yourself together. Come on!

At some point, I ended up in a conversation with Sarah and some powerful woman who was the head of some organization. She was telling us about a program coming to the city. I didn’t understand most of what she was talking about. It was stuff an experienced therapist would get, but not an office manager. I listened hard for any cues to appear as if I was listening and knew what was going on. Inside, I was just waiting for the conversation to end so I could leave. I smiled, I nodded, I think I reacted appropriately in all of the right places, but I didn’t say a word.

Finally, she walked away, and I told Sarah that I was going home. I believed I’d been there for hours. It turned out to be 45 minutes. I found Eve and Libby to say goodbye. I was visibly distraught, as I had been all evening. I texted Rich as I left.

To: Rich

6 Mar 2025 at 11:58 pm

Me: I am never doing that shit again

Rich: Oh no baby I am so sorry!

Me: What the fuck was I fucking thinking? Nope nope nope. Not for me

Rich: I'm so sorry it didn't work out and you're not feeling great about it, but you stepped out of your comfort zone and gave it a go. That is such a difficult thing to do. I'm proud of you.

Me: I was introduced to one person. Didn't talk to them. Forced to make awkward small talk with another.

Didn't get introduced. The third I didn't get introduced and got sucked into conversation with her and Sarah where the person did all of the talking and I couldn't hear a goddamn word so I used social cues to smile and nod on cue. Then I got the fuck out before I lost control of my goddamn tears.

Fuck

I hate feeling like I don't fucking

belong.

Why the fuck did I do that? Goddamnit

Mother fucking fuck

Rich: That sounds so scary and upsetting. I'm so sorry baby.

Me: I'm heading home. Love you baby

Rich: Okay my love. Drive safe. I love you so so much baby

I kind of thought someone from work would text me to ask if I was okay. No one did. I thought maybe they’d do a quick check in the office the next day. Nothing was said. Okay then. 

Sound Bathing

March 18, 2025

Sarah decided to treat all of the therapists and me to a sound bath. I had never done one, but it sounded cool, and I like trying new things. 

It started with some light yoga stretches and breathing exercises. I spent the whole time unsure whether I was doing the poses right and whether I was breathing correctly. 

Should my hand be here? Or here? I thought. Am I turning enough? Too much? Am I doing this wrong or am I just weirdly flexible because this doesn’t feel stretchy? Oh shit! I forgot to breathe. What did she say to do? Okay, inhale and hold… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… and exhale. Should I be doing this through my chest or my stomach? Oh wow, Leslie has done this before. She looks so natural. God, what do I look like? 

Then we all lay back on our mats and the sound bath began. My heart and mind were racing. My left foot was bouncing. I was silently crying in the dark. 

Oh wow, that sounds nice. Those bowls are so pretty. Oh, I should close my eyes. Okay, relax. I hope I don’t fall asleep. Why is my foot doing that? Can she see that? Does she know I’m not relaxed? Fuck! I’m doing this wrong, too. I can’t do anything right. God, I’m so broken. Why am I like this? I’m so tired of this. Stop it! Stop crying. Breathe. Relax. Goddamnit. 

Eventually, it was over. The lights came on. I dried my eyes. Everyone stood up and gathered around. 

“That was incredible!”

“I feel amazing!”

“What an experience!”

I put on a smile and remained silent as everyone around me talked about what a great time they had. I wondered if I’d even been in the same room. 

Over Protective

April 10, 2025

The videos were ready to go live. Adam and I worked together at my desk to set up the business YouTube account and upload all the content. Now they just needed to be incorporated into the website, which would take more work so that it all looked seamless. Adam didn’t have time to start that on the same day, so he went on to his next appointment.

I could have started adding the videos to the site then, but I had a million other things to do that felt more pressing, so I added the task to my to-do list and went about my day.

Adam emailed sometime later to ask if he could have administrator access to our GoDaddy account. I was taken aback. Why would he need that? I said I would have to discuss that with Sarah. I wasn’t giving anyone access to our billing account without her permission, and she hadn’t said anything to me about it. 

Then I realized he probably meant our Wix account. He wanted to upload the videos. I took a deep breath. I was not ready for this. 

When I first started at the practice, the website was just okay. There wasn’t much to it. It had a decent landing page, and everything else was very plain. It had some basic information about the practice and who Sarah was. I knew I could do better. And I did. I made the website beautiful and informative, and I had a vision of where I wanted the videos to go and how they should look.

I was not giving him access to my website. My baby. I would do it myself. Did I have time? No. But I would make the time. I structured a professional email response to Adam politely declining his request. 

Be Careful Who You CC

April 16, 2025 (AM)

I had taken my time on the videos and website between my many other tasks. One morning, Sarah asked me if I wanted Adam to add the videos to the site since I had so much on my plate. I explained that although I was busy, the website was really important to me, and I had no idea how proficient Adam was at web design, so I would feel much better doing it myself. She said okay and asked if I thought I could get them up by the end of the week, and I swallowed and said “sure thing!” 

I got them up on Tuesday evening, April 15th.

I emailed Adam to let him know they were up. I thought he’d be happy. He seemed to be in his response the next morning, which, instead of replying directly to my email, was sent to both Sarah and me by adding me to a long chain between them. I don’t know why he did that. But I’m glad he did. 

Curiosity and intuition led me to read the whole chain. I learned that Adam thought I didn’t like him. He thought I was against the videos. He was politely, indirectly saying that I had been rude to him. Sarah didn’t defend me. She said, “I’m sorry she’s been difficult. Maybe I should have a talk with her.” I also saw that they were unhappy with how long it was taking me to upload the videos. Apparently, they wanted everything done by a certain date and never told me.

I felt embarrassed that he thought all this time that I didn’t like him. I felt like Sarah had taken me out to the woodshed in front of a stranger. 

I responded to both of them, apologizing to Adam for giving any sort of negative impression. I told him that I had absolutely no problem with him. That if it was because I didn’t want him to use my interview, that was because of me, not him. I said I felt we had worked very well together to set up the YouTube channel. I mentioned that had I been aware of the urgency to get the videos up, I would have made it happen. I ended it with “I apologize for being ‘difficult’.”

Sarah and I had a lot to discuss when she got into the office. She took the opportunity to air many grievances to me. Like how I had seemed rude to Adam. How I made everyone uncomfortable by going silent in meetings. How, at the networking event, she was also anxious but had been able to “suck it up,” and thought I should have done the same. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much time to talk before her first client came in, so the rest of the conversation took place over email. 

Email Tug-o-War

April 16 to 21, 2025

To: Sarah

Wed, Apr 16, 2025, 10:19 PM

Sarah,

I am not great at verbal communication, especially when I'm emotional, so I wanted to try writing to express myself.

First, I want to address the issue of meetings. That was a particular gut punch.

In group settings, when I have nothing to say or contribute, I don't know what else to do, so I sit there until I find something to say, IF I find anything. I sit there, feeling dull and awkward, self-conscious, wanting to make myself small and invisible. It's an issue tied to my belief that I'm worthless and nobody likes me, so to be told that I make everyone feel uncomfortable only further confirms the feelings I'm trying to fight against in therapy. To say I make "everyone" uncomfortable must mean I was discussed among multiple therapists. How can a group like that not be able to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety? How can you not care?

What do you say when you have nothing to say? I am not someone who easily makes conversation or small talk. And I think at this point, everyone knows I struggle with anxiety and being around people.

I felt the same way at that networking event. I was absolutely freaking out and trying not to cry at the table, willing myself to pull it together, be my best for the business, failing miserably, and it felt like you were annoyed when maybe you could have been compassionate. I thought I was being paranoid, that it was the anxiety talking, but now I think I was right.

As for Daniel, he said at the very first meeting that I probably wouldn't be needed at every meeting. And yet I continued to attend when I was asked, even when I had no purpose there.

The last time you asked if I could be there, I specifically said, "I can, but am I actually needed?" because I wanted to convey that yes, I could be there. If you want me there, I will be there. But I didn't think it was harmful to ASK if I was needed, which you agreed I wasn't. Obviously, it was harmful to simply ask the question. You weren't honest with me about how you felt about me not attending. How was I supposed to know it was a problem? Outside of that, I have shown nothing but willingness to do everything asked of me, so I feel that I am being unfairly maligned.

To find out that someone, Adam, has been telling you that I'm being difficult or giving off an unfriendly impression, that it has been discussed more than once, is a horrible feeling. To find out that you've known about it and done nothing? You weren't cluing me in, and you weren't defending me, so this problem could only continue. You didn't even have to make it a big deal or a serious talk. You could have set the tone for how I might take it.

You were afraid I'd have an emotional reaction? Maybe I would have. Maybe I wouldn't have. We won't know now. I feel more like you were trying to avoid dealing with my feelings than protecting them, because it seems like my feelings are a nuisance for people. Maybe I'm way off, but that's how it feels now.

As for the videos, all I knew is I was asked by him to access your GoDaddy account, which hosts your domain and email, not your website (that's Wix), and has a bunch of billing information, and I had not been told that you were the one who had made the suggestion. It was out of left field, to me, on a Thursday afternoon. Getting them up the following Tuesday is not a bad turnaround for something that wasn't communicated as URGENT. If it was so urgent, why did it take 5 days to ask me for the information?

And I have no idea of Adam’s skills with websites. He may be a novice or an expert, I don't know, this was thrown at me, not a discussion. It just made more sense for me to do it and keep everything cohesive, and again, I had no idea you had asked him to do that. It was also easier for me to say I didn't want him to because it's "my baby" than "I don't know if Sarah wants you messing around with the website".

I understand that to you, bypassing me because you thought I was overwhelmed was thoughtful, and I get where you were coming from with that, but to me, you cut me out of something that you are aware is very important to me. I could have been asked, "Hey, the videos are ready to go up on the website. Would you like to handle it so you can design it, or would you rather Adam take care of it since I know you have a lot on your plate?" Like the video interview, a lot of hurt could have been saved by just asking me a simple question from the start.

You're human too, and maybe I'm asking too much for you to have to deal with me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too much. All I can say is I'm trying. I don't know what else to do. But I can't fix what I don't know is broken.

I'm feeling a lack of trust, communication, and understanding. Right now, I don't really feel welcome to have feelings there anymore. Of all places.

From: Sarah

Apr 16, 2025, 11:20 PM

Some of this is simply not true. But give me time to respond. Just got home from a very stressful day.  

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 12:53 AM

Sorry I shouldn’t have said it that way.  I meant my perspective about all this is different. 

I’m going to sleep on it and respond with a fresh head tomorrow morning.

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 12:45 PM

Part one. 

Meetings…

i know you struggle with social anxiety.  And I do care.  And if I said it makes “everyone” uncomfortable, I shouldn’t have said that.  I thought I said “it’s uncomfortable “.  I know it makes me uncomfortable which is why I try to include you in the conversations. I’m don’t want you to feel awkward or self-conscious so I guess I ask you questions to include you so that you feel important to the meetings because you ARE important. You are important to me and a vital part of the business.  So it makes me uncomfortable when I know you are anxious and I’m trying so hard to help you feel important in that moment and nothing I do is helping.  I’m not annoyed , I’m just frustrated and sad.   And I guess a little confused. Because you are so warm and friendly and welcoming with our clients so I don’t understand why you can’t be that way with Adam or Daniel or anytime else like meetings and networking event.   

so No, nobody is talking about you.  

I simply meant that when you get quiet in meetings and don’t even crack a smile , it does make me uncomfortable and I can only assume it makes others uncomfortable too.  

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your insecurities go away. Because I think you are an absolutely amazing office manager and when we’re in settings like that, I am so incredibly proud to have you on my team and I brag about you to everyone including Adam and Daniel and the ladies at the networking event and I want them to see how great you are when they meet you.  But your anxiety prevents that from happening. 

I feel like I’m trying to pull the Devon out in those meetings etc , the Devon that I see everyday. That clients see. The warm, friendly face and voice. The organized , tech-savvy professional, whose also kind and compassionate.   So when I see this other side of you in your interactions with Adam or Daniel or networking events , it's a Devon I don't like to see. I know you're struggling but others don't know that so I guess it comes across as difficult to work with. 

The only person that I've talked to about it is Eve because she sees it too especially at the networking event and we both care so much about you and wish you didn't struggle in those settings.  

Again, I am SO proud that you're my office manager extraordinaire and I want everyone else to see that too.

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 12:55 PM

Part two.

At the networking event...

I myself was nervous too.  Walking into an event like that is anxiety provoking. I wanted to stand back and hide also. But I knew I had to be there and suck it up and try to engage with complete strangers.  It's not easy for me either.   I have avoided these types of events for that reason. But I know they're important for the business. And you are such a vital part of the business , you are the one talking to these reps and scheduling lunches etc. So you are important to help build these relationships.   I wasn't annoyed. I was trying to include you and I felt you were ignoring me , not maliciously, but because you were anxious. I know that.  But I needed you to try to engage for the sake of building these relationships for the business.  If it's too much for you, then I'm sorry I asked you to join us.  But again, you are so important to the business, I thought it was important for you to be there. 

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 1:00 PM

Part 3

Meetings with Daniel. 

I have no way of knowing if you are needed at these meetings or not. But I know he sends you the invitations so I assume he has questions for you that I can't answer which is the case sometimes and sometimes not.  

You can always say no to me. It's not a big deal to me if you really don't want to come.  As long as you're available in case he asks a question that I can't answer.  

This business planning stuff is all new to me so I'm learning.  And again, YOU ARE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF GROWING THIS BUSINESS , so I rely on you to help me.  I'm sure I ask too much of you and I'm very sorry for that.

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 1:11 PM

Part 4

adam has implied , not directly said, but implied, that you are particular about the design etc .... I'd have to look back at emails. 

He honestly has never directly said that you are difficult to work with at all.   

I have bragged about how awesome you are to everyone , Adam, Daniel, everyone.   

I have defended you from day one with Ansley when that nightmare was happening. With Katy, with difficult clients , ....  

you are my hero in this business that stresses me out everyday and we wouldn't be where we are now without you. 

ive known Adam for almost 30 years.  I trust him. So letting him take on the videos for website was totally fine with me.  And I really was just trying to NOT give you one more thing on your plate.   I'm sorry if I threw it at you. I'm bad at communicating plans and ideas and am so busy , I just walked in and dropped it in your lap. I'm sorry. I should've talked to you about it before.  Of course, you wanted to handle that.  And I did think he had communicated early on that the videos needed to be on the website.  It's just something that slipped between the cracks and didn't get done and that's not your fault at all. 

From: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 1:16 PM 

Part 5

I'm sorry I didn't address any of this with you before. I really don't want to say anything that might hurt your feelings. The last email from Adam just made me realize that I didn't need to speak up and talk to you.  

I'm a fixer. I'm caring and compassionate. I don't like confrontation. I don't want anyone to feel they're  being criticized for anything. Especially you.  

In the grand scheme of things, none of us is really a big deal to me and I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you. I just didn't want it blown out of proportion because 99.9% of the time your work performance and social interaction with everyone is amazing

To: Sarah

Apr 17, 2025, 1:34 PM

There’s a difference between putting on a smile and a wave to a client walking in the door, especially when I’ve always been extremely customer service oriented, and sitting in a meeting or event where I’m expected to talk. I would be the same in a meeting with clients. I’m the same around friends and acquaintances in groups, even groups of two other people. I don’t like it. It feels like shit. Makes me feel worthless, stupid, and outcast. Why can’t I just do what everyone else can do? Why am I broken? I’m sitting there in my head screaming and crying and beating myself up and willing myself to think of something to contribute and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the verge of tears because I just can’t figure out how to function like everyone else. If I could just pull it together and fake it I would but I don’t know how to do that beyond a “hi, how are you?” I don’t have anything to say to anyone. I wish I could come up with something but I can’t. 

I think Daniel just put me on the recurring meeting in the beginning and left it like that. There’s nothing stopping him or anyone asking me anything at anytime. But I’ll go if you want, I’m not saying I won’t, but I literally have no purpose there and it’s just a waste to sit there twiddling my thumbs for an hour just in case someone has a single question. And no one has asked me a question since the first meeting. Maybe you had to call once? But there’s really not much that I know regarding finances. 

When Katy expressed any issues with you, I went straight to you with it so you could be aware because I have your back. With Adam, with that comment in that email, it felt like not only did you not have my back but you were in agreement. And I had no idea about any of it. So seeing that, learning everything I learned about people having issues with me or whatever, was like being slapped. 

I try so hard and when I fail it is so painful. And I feel like all I’m doing anymore is failing. And everyone hates me.

This exchange led to another in-person discussion that went around in circles until it was interrupted by work. So, more emails were exchanged. 

To: Sarah

Apr 18, 2025, 7:34 PM

I don’t feel like I was heard yesterday. I feel—feel, could be wrong, but feel—like we were focused on different things.

I felt like your focus was on the compassion comment, and on telling me that if you could suck it up for the networking event then I should have been able to as well. Those were the things that I heard repeated most, followed by telling me all the times that you have defended me and how you believed talking to me would upset me. Those just seemed to be the recurring issues. 

So, I hope I can explain myself better this time. 

Compassion: of course you have always shown yourself to be a compassionate person. I have never had a reason to doubt it. But that’s why I was hurt and confused, why didn’t I get that when I was struggling? Because it sounded like the times I’ve struggled the most have been seen as uncomfortable and frustrating. 

That’s fair. I’m a lot. I have a lot of problems with myself. Most people, understandably, would get fed up. But you aren’t most people. 

But you are a human same as anyone. Which it seems like you didn’t notice that I said in my original email, because you said “I’m human too” and I had literally conceded that already. That you’re human, and I’m a lot. I get that. 

I know that because I work with all of these incredibly skilled therapists I’ve let myself be more open, honest, myself, comfortable around you all. As comfortable as I can be, at least. I assumed that I would be understood and accepted. I guess I didn’t realize that I had become too open, too much. 

I understand that even therapists are people, and I’ve always been aware that your job takes an emotional toll. It would have to. So I get that that can mean you don’t always have that energy left for people beyond that. 

If I didn’t already think of you as compassionate, I wouldn’t have been so shocked and confused. I hope that makes sense. I wasn’t trying to insult you. 

Perception: no one has ever told me that I come across as rude. When I was a kid I always heard that I’m shy, and I didn’t realize that as an adult that had evolved into rude. That makes me really sad. The one single good thing that I’ve always had is I’m “the nice one”. Now I’m just questioning everything. 

When Adam came in yesterday I made sure to smile and wave and be friendly. I just didn’t realize that I didn’t before. I get it in meetings with multiple people, I just thought we got along well when we worked together at my desk. Perhaps I had already made a bad impression so it stuck regardless. I don’t know. 

Conversation: I feel like you know that you can set the tone for how you tell people things. I know that when I have to tell someone they’ve done something wrong, if I can I will do it with levity. Make it casual. No big deal. “Hey, just so you know, Adam said something kinda weird, like not bad but it seems like maybe he thinks that you don’t like him or aren’t into this project. I don’t know, maybe make sure that you smile and are extra friendly when you see him.” Could even throw in a joke like “I know, men! Haha whatcha gonna do?” And then we have a laugh and I make sure I’m extra friendly and all is good. Even add in “he’s doing us a huge favor so I want to make sure he’s happy!” I mean, you get the idea. 

Again, I get that you’re drained, so maybe that’s too much. That’s just how I try to talk to people when I have to have unpleasant conversations. 

Obviously I know if something gets really serious, that needs to be conveyed in a more serious manner. 

I didn’t like telling you that Katy was complaining or saying anything unpleasant. I didn’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings. But it’s more important that you are aware of what’s going on and what’s being said. That’s exactly how I feel. I always want to know. I don’t want to be a clueless fool, or look like a jerk by continuing my actions. Have people talk about me instead of to me. Now you know that about me. 

What if I had said “I’m sorry Sarah’s being difficult. I’ll talk to her about it”? That wouldn’t make you feel very supported. 

You did make it clear that Adam is a close friend, much longer than I have been, so I can understand that you were talking to a friend and not just a professional associate, but he’s a professional associate to me and I felt like I was being taken out to the woodshed in front of him. Just the way it looked to me. You know him better than I do. 

Emotions: I am trying so hard to fix myself. I hate everything about the way that I am. I hate myself inside and out. I’m so sick of myself. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying everything I can think of that I can afford. Nothing is working. I’m not getting better. I feel like I never will. I am just always going to be a broken mess. 

If I could pull myself together, I would. When I was sitting at that table I was looking at the ceiling so I wouldn’t cry. I was in my head repeating “you are okay. You are okay. You can get through one evening. It’s just one little evening. 

These are good people who help people. They are not judging you. They do not dislike you. Come on, Devon. Figure it out.”

Someone tried talking to me. I tried to engage. God I was awful. I couldn’t hear so I wasn’t sure of everything she said. My conversation was stunted, flat, and ineloquent. I could see it in her face. I was not doing well. 

Maybe I’m okay with clients because my job is to serve them. I don’t know, I’m just trying to figure myself out. But my natural instinct is to lay down at people’s feet, to put myself lower than them, to serve. That’s literally the only way I know how to make friends, is to go out of my way for them so they can’t live without me. That’s another thing I’m supposed to be working on. It’s a trend I don’t want to follow me into the UK when I have to make friends. Every single person I meet, and this has always been my perspective, hates me until I do enough stuff for them. That’s how I see it. 

One of the most painful things about me is that I don’t know how to talk to people. I never know what to say. Especially with more than one person. Colleen has the ability to turn a trip to the grocery store into a whole story and can hold a crowd enthralled as she tells it. The other night when you asked me to tell you and Eve about settling the lawsuit and moving to the UK and everything, I should have had a good half hour of talking in me. Even I was disappointed when I barely said anything. I literally thought to myself “that’s it? That’s all you have to say? What is wrong with you?”

This is my whole life. And I’ve never known if people could tell that I was weird and awkward but I figured I gave off that vibe so I just try to hide and make myself small and invisible and I believed that it worked because no one pays attention to me anyway. I’m not noticed, liked, or remembered in general. I’m a ghost. I’m like a servant in Downton Abbey. I do for others as is my role in life, try not to be seen so as not to offend, and get out of the way. That’s how I feel. 

I do feel worse about myself now. I’m obviously worse than even I realized. I’m affecting people more than I knew. I can see that you’re fed up. And if you are, others must be as well. I’m not saying that’s your fault. It’s my problem. I’m going to work on being more professional and keep things to myself. Not bring my moods to work. It’s probably for the best that I’m leaving. Before I make things worse. 

I think that’s everything. I hope I didn’t offend this time. I hope I made sense. 

From: Sarah

Apr 21, 2025, 3:38 PM

Finally have a minute to respond. 

I’m going to send you any correspondence with Adam so that everything is transparent.  Because I think that one email is completely being blown out of proportion. 

Having said that,  

I could’ve said something to you earlier and have repeatedly asked “are you ok” when I notice you get quiet around people.  I guess that was my way of hoping you’d notice the mood was being noticed and certainly making me uncomfortable (I can’t speak for others).  As you offered, I could’ve mentioned it to you in a light tone I guess.   But honestly, it has been feeling like it needed to be a more serious discussion.  I’ve just been avoiding it.  

That’s my problem.  I avoid difficult conversations. I pretend everything is fine even when it’s not. 

I’ve kept it to myself.  So I don’t want you thinking I’ve been talking about you because that is simply not true. 

If I seem annoyed,  you’re probably feeling my frustration.   I’m a therapist.  I help people feel better.  And when I can't, I blame myself.  I ruminate on my failures as most of us do.  Even though I know I shouldn't.  So when you say nothing works and I'm broken , I take it personally.  Feels like a slap in the face.  Sorry. Just how I feel. 

To: Sarah

Apr 21, 2025, 6:11 PM

Okay. 

I don’t feel like the email is being blown out of proportion because they are my feelings and they are valid, even if you don’t see or agree with my perspective. 

Being asked in front of other people if I’m okay is only going to make me feel uncomfortable and force me to lie and say yes. 

It only needed to be a serious discussion because it had been avoided for so long. 

I am going to work on changing my behavior and not talk about my feelings or mental health status anymore anyway so that won’t be an issue moving forward. 

I don’t feel like we’re going to get anywhere here. I don’t feel like we’re going to see eye-to-eye. It is what it is. Now I know and will adjust my behavior accordingly.

From: Sarah

Mon, Apr 21, 2025, 9:47 PM

Ugh. 

Ok let me try again. 

I am realizing that I’m trying to explain how I feel and it’s probably coming across as defensive and I don’t mean to be. 

I’m listening.  I hear what you’re saying.  Can we please talk in person about this?

Oku tomorrow after work? 

I really want to be able to have a wonderful relationship with you , one where we can speak openly and honestly about everything. 

The last thing I want is for you to feel you can’t tell me how you’re feeling.  That would be terrible. And fake. 

From here, we agreed to go to dinner to continue the discussion and resolve our issues.

Pointless Dinner

April 23, 2025

Sarah and I were going out for sushi after work. I knew how this would go. I knew what she wanted. And I would give it, because I was tired of fighting.

She told me Eve wanted to come too. “But no pressure either way,” she said. Cool. So this dinner, which was supposed to be about the two of us and our issues, was going to have a third party. A party who was obviously on her side. She asked me if I minded. Did it really matter? I’d already told her I do better in one-on-one situations and that additional people make me shut down. Whatever. I said it was fine.

I honestly can’t say what was said. I don’t remember. I know I didn’t find it productive. I know I cried. I know I had decided that however it went, I was going to be different. Closed off. They’d get a professional, distant, impersonal version of me from then on. I was done with them as friends.

We Interrupt This Program…

Time of Writing

I want to make something clear here. Sarah is not just some villain, if that’s the impression I am giving here. I was aware of how much she praised me, because she did it to my face, too. My business cards read "Office Manager Extraordinaire". She supported my book when I published it. She wasn't all awful, just the ratio of making me feel accepted to making me feel unwelcome changed over time, and we can see how and when.

Okay, back to our show!

Cowgirl Boots and Tears

April 30, 2025

April was a rough month for me for reasons other than work. And today was definitely no exception. I’d spent the day in tears, feeling sick and miserable about multiple things in my life, including work. Sarah had invited Eve and me to dinner after work. I know I said I was done. I don’t know why I said yes. I think I just hoped things would get better. That something good would happen. I had too much bad and was desperate for good. For happy. For healing.

Throughout the day, I would hem and haw about whether or not to go to dinner or just bow out and go home. But in the end, I went. I shouldn’t have. 

Eve and I got there first. We grabbed a table. And then, in walked Sarah. But she wasn’t alone. Maya was with her. Great. I had no problem with Maya. She seemed nice. But I didn’t know her well, and some of our interactions had been… grating. Like Sarah and Eve, she lived to work out and was highly social. I felt like a square among circles.

Eve was talking about being a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and how she had to find some white cowgirl boots because they were part of the bridal party’s ensemble and hers were brown. Sarah offered hers. The three of them held an entire conversation gasping and squealing over cowgirl boots. I hate cowgirl boots.

The wedding was in Nashville. All three of them talked about how amazing Nashville is. Sarah did try to bring me into the conversation by asking if I’d been. I said no, it wasn’t really my thing. She started telling me about the amazing music and bars. I said I wasn’t a country music fan or one for bars. Not the kind that she was describing, anyway. All I could think was “You really never knew me at all, did you?”

The conversation turned to the pros and cons of various gyms. Once again, the ceiling became the most fascinating view in the place. 

We ordered food. I was really looking forward to my meal because they were out of it the last time I was there.

I just really wanted to go out to my car and have a good cry. When it turned out that everything I ordered was unavailable, I took it as a sign. I said I wasn’t feeling well anyway and was just going to go home. I sat in my car in the parking lot and wept.

Text to Colleen:

"WTF is wrong with me Colleen? Why am I so broken? Why can't I just be a normal person? Why can't I function? I was at dinner with Sarah, Eve, and Maya. I didn't know Maya was coming. I don't know her well. So that made me shut down. Then everyone was talking about shit I don't give a fuck about. I don't care about the wedding you're in. I don't care about your dating life (especially don't want to hear it today), I don't care about your son's new apartment. I don't fucking care. Am I just a terrible person? So I sat there. Being quiet and weird and awkward.

We were at Hoptingers. I ordered my food with everyone else. Waited. Waited. Waited. They brought out two of the salads. Eve and I waited. They came to tell me what I ordered wasn't available. So I picked something else. And waited and waited. They brought out Eve's food then told me my second choice was out. So I said leave it. I wasn't hungry. Eventually I got tired of feeling like an uncomfortable piece of shit and put them all out of their misery and said I wasn't feeling well and left. Now I'm in my car crying. God I fucking hate myself. Why am I fucking alive? I'm a waste of fucking air."

Eventually I calmed down enough to drive and went home.

The next morning, Eve told me that Maya thought I left because of her. While technically she was part of the reason, it wasn’t her fault. I texted her that I’d been having a bad day and had already been thinking of skipping the meal, so when none of my orders were available, I decided to go. That it had nothing to do with her. I made sure to be extra friendly with her when she was around from then on.

Setting Boundaries

May 3, 2025

I had found out about a big local health event a year earlier and had reached out to the organizers to register our interest in participating the following year. I was really looking forward to us being represented there and hopefully drumming up new clients. The event was finally coming up, and I made all the arrangements to secure a good booth and a prominent sponsorship spot on the flyers and banners. I designed and ordered promotional items. I had already designed and ordered custom brochures and picked them up. I scheduled and attended every planning session. 

The only thing I wouldn’t do: attend the event.

I set a boundary. I announced that networking was not for me, so I would not be attempting it anymore. But I would do everything else, and I did.

No one argued. I didn’t expect that it would be a problem. I wasn’t one of them. People needed to speak with the actual therapists, not the office manager. Especially one who couldn’t talk to people with ease. 

The event came and went. Everything went smoothly. I assumed that all was well.

That’s [not] a Good Question

June 19, 2025

There was a local art walk once a month, and we had been discussing attending since I started at the business. We finally made a plan to do it, and went. Sarah and I met up in the parking lot. Libby and her boyfriend joined us shortly after. We were just waiting on Eve. We stood in a group and made small talk. I actually had things to contribute to the conversation. I felt pretty proud of myself. I was really holding my own. 

Eve said she would be late, so we should start without her. We walked around and checked out the local wares. I stood around and waited while Sarah and Libby chatted up the vendors. I will never understand how people can just talk to strangers with ease. I both envy and admire that skill. I can barely converse with people I know. 

We split up, with Sarah and I heading to a nearby restaurant to grab a bite while we waited for Eve, and Libby and her boyfriend continuing the walk. Sarah and I took a two-seater table on a narrow balcony and ordered some food and drinks. Eve showed up and awkwardly added a third chair, which hit against the balcony wall. When Libby and her beau rejoined us, they stood behind my chair so my back was to them. The boyfriend had grown up with Sarah’s boys, so they chatted about his family and the people they knew in common. Then the conversation turned to therapy. I sat in silence and slowly sipped my drink. The conversation briefly turned to skincare, which I am very well-versed in thanks to my super sensitive skin, so I could actually say something. Eve shot me down when I spoke about some skincare myths. Okay then.

Libby and whatshisname walked off, leaving the three of us to go in search of more drinks elsewhere. We settled at a bar in a Mexican restaurant where I ordered a margarita. Sarah excused herself for the restroom, and Eve took the opportunity to ask me what was wrong. I said I was just struggling in a social situation. She asked me why I bothered to come out then. 

My drink arrived then. I said, “You know what? That’s a good question. I won’t anymore.” I downed my drink, which happened to be the best margarita I’ve ever had, and motioned to the bartender for the check. I don’t remember what Eve said, but I told her that she didn’t really want to know what was wrong because I’d realized that they all liked me better when I didn’t have any problems. Sarah appeared right as I signed the check and walked out the door.

A Day Off

July 7, 2025

Text from Sarah

July 7, 2025 4:59 PM

Sarah: Devon I'd like to schedule a time to meet soon. Unfortunately I don't have any time tomorrow. So take the day off and I'll be in touch to schedule a time to meet.

Me: You want me to take the day off tomorrow? Because you and I can't meet? What is this? Are you firing me?

No response.

Let’s Be Friends

August 7, 2025

Text to Colleen

7 Aug 2025 at 12:46 am

Me: OMG Sarah just texted hopefully we can get together for dinner soon…

WTF is she serious?

Colleen: What

That literally broke my brain

Me: Oh my fucking god wow the audacity

Colleen: You should text back "who's this"

Me: I'm mulling over my answer. I want to just say no thanks

She reached out asking if I'd had any calls or texts and if I'd send them to her. So I looked and there were some so I sent her the screenshots without any kind of pleasantries and then she said that

Colleen: Don't go to dinner with her devon

Me: Nooooo that would not be good. I'm asking ChatGPT for wording advice. "I'm not really in a place where that feels like a healthy option for me."

"Bitch call me when you get a soul" Imao that one's mine

Colleen: "I would prefer to continue keeping our relationship in only a professional capacity. For the sake of my mental health you conniving bitch"

Me: Like why? Why would I want to put myself through that. Why would she? Oh right, because she wants to make sure she doesn't feel like the bad guy. No I'm not appeasing her conscience. If I did that I would not hold back what I think of her and what she did to me

Colleen: Isn't dinners the whole reason your job became a problem? Like what the actual fuck

Me: Yes haha

Stop playing like we're all good. Wow.

Colleen: Like we're not friends boo boo

Me: I want to say:

"Sarah, you essentially fired me for having a mental illness, for having a brain that works differently than yours, which is not only illegal but unconscionable. I made you uncomfortable, you told me I made everyone uncomfortable when that actually was just your own feelings that you projected, making me feel like garbage, and made up an excuse to get rid of me, now you want to act like we're all good and still friends? No thank you.

Before you ask, what did you make up, you don't need an office manager who can network. It was not my job to network. It was yours. And the other therapists. Because you're the ones who need to know about the programs out there. You're the ones who refer patients. I don't. I don't know your patients or their issues. No one is walking out of your office with me saying "you know, you should send them to xyz".

And as far as my "mood" at the office, I was not the only one who came into the office in an obvious mood. You and Eve also brought your problems and emotions into the office, but god forbid I have any problems or feelings. Maybe you don't realize that you can also see your moods on your face as well. Maybe your patients notice and just don't say anything. But you felt so obligated to apologize on MY behalf. And you fail to recognize that you and Eve’s treatment of me those last few months was the reason for my distress at work. The reason why it went from a place I loved and felt happy to a place where I felt unwelcome and unappreciated every day and struggled to be there. I even considered leaving when I got my money but didn't want to do that to you and hoped it would get better.

I did my job. You just didn't like ME. So let's not pretend that you do now to make yourself feel better."

That’s what I want to say

Colleen: Girl #yolo

Fucking send it

Promise you'll feel better. Just block her afterwards and you never have to worry about the reply

I sent it. Sarah’s reply was that she was sorry I felt that way, and that was not her perspective at all.

I honestly didn’t care what her perspective was. And “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a shitty thing to say. I didn’t respond.

Those were our final words to each other.

I Saw the Sign

Months later

Ansley was still my primary healthcare provider, and still worked in the building with everyone. I needed some bloodwork, so I had to go in and see her in person after months of virtual visits. I scheduled it for as early as possible so as to avoid running into anyone else.

Thankfully, I was successful.

As I was driving away, I noticed a new sign out front advertising all of the disorders that the practice treated. I thought to myself that I’d better not see neurodivergence on there, seeing as they completely missed all of the glaring signs of mine. I knew it’d be there. 

It was.

Epilogue

Where is she now?

Physically, I am happily settled in the UK with Rich, to whom I am now blissfully wed, and our two cats, Loki and Rey. I moved here in April 2026 and at the time of this writing it is September 2026. To say the adjustment was rough is putting it mildly. Holly well earned her fees.

Mentally, I’m in a good place today. I have been for at least a month now. One day I was on the train to London for an appointment and realized that I was happy. Truly happy. I felt it all over my body, which was amazing after spending so long defaulting to shame and fear. Healing isn’t a destination. It’s a journey. As cheesy as that sounds, it’s important to know, because too often people believe either they will never fall backward or that if they do, all is lost. I know there will be days when I feel overcome by the darkness. But sooner or later I will fight to get back to the light because I know how much I want it. I will do the work. 

I still have to figure out how to be the person I want to be around others. I’ve had few social interactions with people since coming here and I still struggle with what to say. I now have a note in my phone with suggestions for ice-breakers that aren’t too boring but also not too weird. I hate the question “How was your weekend?” or “Got plans for this weekend?” I would rather discuss the article I recently read about neurologists studying what they believe happens after you die, but given my beliefs, that wouldn’t likely go over very well. 

I look forward to learning more about mental health and neurodiversity and seeing how psychology evolves in the future. And I am very curious to see how my own future turns out in this new home and new life.